Beaten men: Abuse can go both ways, local cases demonstrate

I think this is a great example!  There are too many men that just don’t understand that they can be abused, many that are being abused just can’t wrap their mind around the fact that it’s not something they should have to live with or that it affects other men as well.  For men, we’re back in the dark ages when it comes to movement on men and DV, there aren’t too many voices out there, and as for information, that’s just hard to come by to say the least.  If you know a man that is being abused, let him know that you are there to support him just as much as if he was a female going through DV!  Validation that you even understand that what he’s going through is wrong and painful can help a man get through this, because unfortunately, there’s little of that going around atm…

 

Posted: Sunday, March 18, 2012 12:00 am

By Amy Macavinta | 4 comments   Get in on the discussion!

Gender stereotypes — there are dozens of them. Boys can’t play with dolls. Girls are the weaker sex. Men are strong and aggressive, while women are loving and nurturing.

Men don’t cry.

Men can’t be victims.

Two Logan men have stepped forward to dispel the myth. They know the opposite to be true: Women can be aggressive, and men can be victims. And men need help and support, too.

James, who The Herald Journal is not naming at his request, has been married for more than 20 years. He has raised a family with his wife, and he has a great deal of respect for her.

Over the years, he has learned to identify her “boiling point,” and he goes out of his way to avoid conflict.

He remembers the first time she hit him, very early in their marriage.

“It was like someone stuck a probe in me,” he said. “It was just such a huge shock.”

He thought about leaving back then. However, when the couple learned they were expecting their first child, he said he felt like he was stuck. And at the same time, it was that child and the ones that followed that made it worth keeping the family together in spite of the abuse.

“The family times really compensated for the marital problems,” he said. “It is comforting to have a sense of family.”

And so he picked his battles. For every conflict, he asked himself “is it worth it?”

Hitting, kicking, slapping, punching — threats of violence, threats of police action if he retaliated. She broke his nose once, and when he went to the doctor, no one even asked how it happened, he said.

“I don’t know a man who wants to be the victim of a woman,” James said. “I didn’t believe I was a victim. To say that makes you less human. I have learned that it does not make you less human; it just means you drew the short straw and got whacked with it.”

There were several points in his marriage when James said he did reach out for help. And time and time again, he was discouraged by comments like these:

“Be a better husband,” or “If you can’t control your wife, you are a pansy.” And, “What did you do to make her mad?”

“I quit talking about it because they didn’t believe me,” he said. And so, he carried on.

The abuse diminished somewhat while the children were growing. He said his wife tried hard to be a good mom, and he felt like he was protecting his children by staying in the marriage.

“If the focus of her anger was centered on me, then she would leave the kids alone,” he said. “Only time will tell if I made the right decision.”

James and his wife are empty-nesters now, and there has been some talk of divorce, but the fact remains: he still sees her finer points and would be perfectly content in the marriage — as long as she wasn’t hitting him.

“There is always the strong hope, wish and desire for change, always hope — I still feel that now,” he said. “You just have this never-ending wish for the violence to stop and the nurturing to begin.”

In the meantime, James finds comfort that the community at large is beginning to make an effort to “get in the middle of the road” when it comes to realizing that domestic violence is not exclusive to one gender.

———

At 89 years old, Leo never stopped hoping. His current marriage is in shambles, but Leo said he is discovering happiness once again.

Leo, also not his real name, was remarried 16 years ago in California, when he was in his 70s. Almost immediately, he and his new bride moved to Cache Valley to be closer to her daughter. And just as quickly, their relationship changed.

Leo said his wife was angry and controlling. She was physically abusive. She hit him almost daily, on the back at first, and later, his head and face. She hit him with her hands, a spoon, the remote control — anything she might have in her hand.

Leo and his wife are members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, and they married in the temple, a union church members believe is for time and all eternity.

Leo said he took his vows seriously, and so he stayed with his wife until a year ago, when an attack left him bleeding from his mouth. He reached out to his church leadership, who took him to Community Abuse Prevention Services Agency (CAPSA) in Logan.

“I couldn’t believe this was happening to me. It was a nightmare,” he said. “I came to CAPSA when I saw blood coming out from my mouth. That was enough for me. I couldn’t take it anymore, and I didn’t want to find out what she would hit me with next time.”

Kathryn Monson, CAPSA’s program director, said she can’t even describe the change in Leo in the time he has been with the organization.

“You wouldn’t think that someone in his stage of life would have to think about being a victim,” Monson said.

He was emotionally traumatized when she met him, she said, but things have changed since.

“He started to see there was a way out of this and it was like night and day,” she said.

———

While CAPSA reports a slight increase in the number of men seeking assistance in Cache Valley, it is difficult to back that up with legal records.

A representative from the Logan City Police Department said domestic violence calls are not filed by gender and that it would take extensive research to determine how many men have been victims of violence. However, they acknowledge that it does happen.

Similar findings were discovered in the court system, where protective orders are filed individually, with no gender classification.

“Violence is violence, and we need to do all we can as a society, including the judicial system, to both discourage it and assist those who are victims of it,” said 1st District Court Judge Kevin Allen.

Anyone in need of help can call CAPSA’s 24-hour crisis line 435-753-2500. Services are confidential and free of charge to women and men and include a 24-hour crisis line, 24-hour in-person crisis intervention, shelter, case management, support groups, assistance with protective order and civil stalking injunctions and more.

———

amacavinta@hjnews.com

Twitter: @amacavinta

Original Article

Domestic violence against men: Know the signs

I have a very good friend that is going through abuse with his ex-girlfriend and mother of his child, and it’s heartbreaking to see.  She’s using his infant daughter as a means to get what she wants from him, and the poor girl is stuck in the middle.  Men are abused as well!  Usually not in the same ways as women are abused, from what I’ve seen a lot more of it is the mental abuse, but either way it’s wrong and men need help and support dealing with it and getting through it as well.

 

Domestic violence against men isn't always easy to identify, but it can be a serious threat. Know how to recognize if you're being abused — and how to get help.

By Mayo Clinic staff

Women aren't the only victims of domestic violence. Understand the signs of domestic violence against men, and know how to get help.

Recognize domestic violence against men

Domestic violence — also known as domestic abuse, battering or intimate partner violence — occurs between people in an intimate relationship. Domestic violence against men can take many forms, including emotional, sexual and physical abuse and threats of abuse. It can happen in heterosexual or same sex relationships.

It might not be easy to recognize domestic violence against men. Early in the relationship, your partner might seem attentive, generous and protective in ways that later turn out to be controlling and frightening. Initially, the abuse might appear as isolated incidents. Your partner might apologize and promise not to abuse you again.

In other relationships, domestic violence against men might include both partners slapping or shoving each other when they get angry — and neither partner seeing himself or herself as being abused or controlled. This type of violence, however, can still devastate a relationship, causing both physical and emotional damage.

You might be experiencing domestic violence if your partner:

• Calls you names, insults you or puts you down
• Prevents you from going to work or school
• Stops you from seeing family members or friends
• Tries to control how you spend money, where you go or what you wear
• Acts jealous or possessive or constantly accuses you of being unfaithful
• Gets angry when drinking alcohol or using drugs
• Threatens you with violence or a weapon
• Hits, kicks, shoves, slaps, chokes or otherwise hurts you, your children or your pets
• Assaults you while you're sleeping, you've been drinking or you're not paying attention to make up for a difference in strength
• Forces you to have sex or engage in sexual acts against your will
• Blames you for his or her violent behavior or tells you that you deserve it
• Portrays the violence as mutual and consensual

If you're gay, bisexual or transgender, you might also be experiencing domestic violence if you're in a relationship with someone who:

• Threatens to tell friends, family, colleagues or community members your sexual orientation or gender identity
• Tells you that authorities won't help a gay, bisexual or transgender person
• Tells you that leaving the relationship means you're admitting that gay, bisexual or transgender relationships are deviant
• Justifies abuse by telling you that you're not "really" gay, bisexual or transgender
• Says that men are naturally violent

 

Children and abuse

Domestic violence affects children, even if they're just witnesses. If you have children, remember that exposure to domestic violence puts them at risk of developmental problems, psychiatric disorders, problems at school, aggressive behavior and low self-esteem. You might worry that seeking help could further endanger you and your children, or that it might break up your family. Fathers might fear that abusive partners will try to take their children away from them. However, getting help is the best way to protect your children — and yourself.

Break the cycle

If you're in an abusive situation, you might recognize this pattern:

• Your abuser threatens violence.
• Your abuser strikes you.
• Your abuser apologizes, promises to change and offers gifts.
• The cycle repeats itself.

Typically the violence becomes more frequent and severe over time.

Domestic violence can leave you depressed and anxious. You might be more likely to abuse alcohol or drugs or engage in unprotected sex. Domestic violence can even trigger suicide attempts. Because men are traditionally thought to be physically stronger than women, you might be less likely to talk about or report incidents of domestic violence in your heterosexual relationship due to embarrassment or fear of ridicule. You might also worry that the significance of the abuse will be minimized because you're a man. Similarly, a man being abused by another man might be reluctant to talk about the problem because of how it reflects on his masculinity or because it exposes his sexual orientation. Additionally, if you seek help, you might confront a shortage of resources for male victims of domestic violence. Health care providers and other contacts might not think to ask if your injuries were caused by domestic violence, making it harder to open up about abuse. You might also fear that if you talk to someone about the abuse, you'll be accused of wrongdoing yourself. Remember, though, if you're being abused, you aren't to blame — and help is available.

Start by telling someone about the abuse, whether it's a friend, relative, health care provider or other close contact. At first, you might find it hard to talk about the abuse. However, you'll also likely feel relief and receive much-needed support.

Create a safety plan

Leaving an abuser can be dangerous. Consider taking these precautions:

• Call a domestic violence hotline for advice. Make the call at a safe time — when the abuser isn't around — or from a friend's house or other safe location.
• Pack an emergency bag that includes items you'll need when you leave, such as extra clothes and keys. Leave the bag in a safe place. Keep important personal papers, money and prescription medications handy so that you can take them with you on short notice.
• Know exactly where you'll go and how you'll get there.

Protect your communication and location

An abuser can use technology to monitor your telephone and online communication and to track your physical location. If you're concerned for your safety, seek help. To maintain your privacy:

• Use phones cautiously. Your abuser might intercept calls and listen to your conversations. He or she might use caller ID, check your cellphone or search your phone billing records to see your complete call and texting history.
• Use your home computer cautiously. Your abuser might use spyware to monitor your emails and the websites you visit. Consider using a computer at work, at the library or at a friend's house to seek help.
• Remove GPS devices from your vehicle. Your abuser might use a GPS device to pinpoint your location.
• Frequently change your email password. Choose a password that would be impossible for your abuser to guess.
• Clear your viewing history. Follow your browser's instructions to clear any record of websites or graphics you've viewed.

Where to seek help

In an emergency, call 911 — or your local emergency number or law enforcement agency. The following resources also can help:

• Someone you trust. Turn to a friend, relative, neighbor, co-worker or religious or spiritual adviser for support.
• National Domestic Violence Hotline: 800-799-SAFE or 800-799-7233. The hotline provides crisis intervention and referrals to resources.
• Your health care provider. Doctors and nurses will treat injuries and can refer you to other local resources.
• A counseling or mental health center. Counseling and support groups for people in abusive relationships are available in most communities.
• A local court. Your district court can help you obtain a restraining order that legally mandates the abuser to stay away from you or face arrest. Local advocates may be available to help guide you through the process.

Domestic violence against men can have devastating effects. Although you may not be able to stop your partner's abusive behavior, you can seek help. Remember, no one deserves to be abused.

Original Article