I think this is a great example! There are too many men that just don’t understand that they can be abused, many that are being abused just can’t wrap their mind around the fact that it’s not something they should have to live with or that it affects other men as well. For men, we’re back in the dark ages when it comes to movement on men and DV, there aren’t too many voices out there, and as for information, that’s just hard to come by to say the least. If you know a man that is being abused, let him know that you are there to support him just as much as if he was a female going through DV! Validation that you even understand that what he’s going through is wrong and painful can help a man get through this, because unfortunately, there’s little of that going around atm…
Posted: Sunday, March 18, 2012 12:00 am
By Amy Macavinta | 4 comments Get in on the discussion!
Gender stereotypes — there are dozens of them. Boys can’t play with dolls. Girls are the weaker sex. Men are strong and aggressive, while women are loving and nurturing.
Men don’t cry.
Men can’t be victims.
Two Logan men have stepped forward to dispel the myth. They know the opposite to be true: Women can be aggressive, and men can be victims. And men need help and support, too.
James, who The Herald Journal is not naming at his request, has been married for more than 20 years. He has raised a family with his wife, and he has a great deal of respect for her.
Over the years, he has learned to identify her “boiling point,” and he goes out of his way to avoid conflict.
He remembers the first time she hit him, very early in their marriage.
“It was like someone stuck a probe in me,” he said. “It was just such a huge shock.”
He thought about leaving back then. However, when the couple learned they were expecting their first child, he said he felt like he was stuck. And at the same time, it was that child and the ones that followed that made it worth keeping the family together in spite of the abuse.
“The family times really compensated for the marital problems,” he said. “It is comforting to have a sense of family.”
And so he picked his battles. For every conflict, he asked himself “is it worth it?”
Hitting, kicking, slapping, punching — threats of violence, threats of police action if he retaliated. She broke his nose once, and when he went to the doctor, no one even asked how it happened, he said.
“I don’t know a man who wants to be the victim of a woman,” James said. “I didn’t believe I was a victim. To say that makes you less human. I have learned that it does not make you less human; it just means you drew the short straw and got whacked with it.”
There were several points in his marriage when James said he did reach out for help. And time and time again, he was discouraged by comments like these:
“Be a better husband,” or “If you can’t control your wife, you are a pansy.” And, “What did you do to make her mad?”
“I quit talking about it because they didn’t believe me,” he said. And so, he carried on.
The abuse diminished somewhat while the children were growing. He said his wife tried hard to be a good mom, and he felt like he was protecting his children by staying in the marriage.
“If the focus of her anger was centered on me, then she would leave the kids alone,” he said. “Only time will tell if I made the right decision.”
James and his wife are empty-nesters now, and there has been some talk of divorce, but the fact remains: he still sees her finer points and would be perfectly content in the marriage — as long as she wasn’t hitting him.
“There is always the strong hope, wish and desire for change, always hope — I still feel that now,” he said. “You just have this never-ending wish for the violence to stop and the nurturing to begin.”
In the meantime, James finds comfort that the community at large is beginning to make an effort to “get in the middle of the road” when it comes to realizing that domestic violence is not exclusive to one gender.
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At 89 years old, Leo never stopped hoping. His current marriage is in shambles, but Leo said he is discovering happiness once again.
Leo, also not his real name, was remarried 16 years ago in California, when he was in his 70s. Almost immediately, he and his new bride moved to Cache Valley to be closer to her daughter. And just as quickly, their relationship changed.
Leo said his wife was angry and controlling. She was physically abusive. She hit him almost daily, on the back at first, and later, his head and face. She hit him with her hands, a spoon, the remote control — anything she might have in her hand.
Leo and his wife are members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, and they married in the temple, a union church members believe is for time and all eternity.
Leo said he took his vows seriously, and so he stayed with his wife until a year ago, when an attack left him bleeding from his mouth. He reached out to his church leadership, who took him to Community Abuse Prevention Services Agency (CAPSA) in Logan.
“I couldn’t believe this was happening to me. It was a nightmare,” he said. “I came to CAPSA when I saw blood coming out from my mouth. That was enough for me. I couldn’t take it anymore, and I didn’t want to find out what she would hit me with next time.”
Kathryn Monson, CAPSA’s program director, said she can’t even describe the change in Leo in the time he has been with the organization.
“You wouldn’t think that someone in his stage of life would have to think about being a victim,” Monson said.
He was emotionally traumatized when she met him, she said, but things have changed since.
“He started to see there was a way out of this and it was like night and day,” she said.
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While CAPSA reports a slight increase in the number of men seeking assistance in Cache Valley, it is difficult to back that up with legal records.
A representative from the Logan City Police Department said domestic violence calls are not filed by gender and that it would take extensive research to determine how many men have been victims of violence. However, they acknowledge that it does happen.
Similar findings were discovered in the court system, where protective orders are filed individually, with no gender classification.
“Violence is violence, and we need to do all we can as a society, including the judicial system, to both discourage it and assist those who are victims of it,” said 1st District Court Judge Kevin Allen.
Anyone in need of help can call CAPSA’s 24-hour crisis line 435-753-2500. Services are confidential and free of charge to women and men and include a 24-hour crisis line, 24-hour in-person crisis intervention, shelter, case management, support groups, assistance with protective order and civil stalking injunctions and more.
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Twitter: @amacavinta
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