Date Rape

This is information usually seen on Women sites on Domestic Violence, but men are also victims of Date Rape as well, and I feel this is good information to get out to men who may be in danger of being raped but also for men to read that are in relationships to protect themselves from doing it to their partner.  Date Rape isn’t a joke, and the more information on this that goes out the better…

 

When people think of rape, they might think of a stranger jumping out of a shadowy place and sexually attacking someone. But it's not only strangers who rape. In fact, about half of all people who are raped know the person who attacked them.

Most friendships, acquaintances, and dates never lead to violence, of course. But, sadly, sometimes it happens. When forced sex occurs between two people who already know each other, it is known as date rape or acquaintance rape.

Even if the two people know each other well, and even if they were intimate or had sex before, no one has the right to force a sexual act on another person against his or her will.

Girls and women are most often raped, but guys can also be raped: 7% to 10% of rape victims are male.

Even though rape involves forced sex, rape is not about sex or passion. Rape has nothing to do with love. Rape is an act of aggression and violence.

You may hear some people say that those who have been raped were somehow "asking for it" because of the clothes they wore or the way they acted. That's wrong: The person who is raped is not to blame. Rape is always the fault of the rapist. And that's also the case when two people are dating - or even in an intimate relationship. One person never owes the other person sex. If sex is forced against someone's will, that's rape.

Healthy relationships involve respect - including respect for the feelings of others. Someone who really cares about you will respect your wishes and not force or pressure you to have sex.

Alcohol and Drugs

Alcohol is often involved in date rapes. Drinking can loosen inhibitions, dull common sense, and - for some people - allow aggressive tendencies to surface.

Drugs may also play a role. You may have heard about "date rape" drugs like rohypnol ("roofies"), gamma-hydroxybutyrate (GHB), and ketamine. Drugs like these can easily be mixed in drinks to make a person black out and forget things that happen. Both girls and guys who have been given these drugs report feeling paralyzed, having blurred vision, and lack of memory.

Mixing these drugs with alcohol is highly dangerous and can kill.

Protecting Yourself

The best defense against date rape is to try to prevent it whenever possible. Here are some things both girls and guys can do:

• Avoid secluded places (this may even mean your room or your partner's) until you trust your partner.
• Don't spend time alone with someone who makes you feel uneasy or uncomfortable. This means following your instincts and removing yourself from situations that you don't feel good about.
• Stay sober and aware. If you're with someone you don't know very well, be aware of what's going on around you and try to stay in control. Also, be aware of your date's ability to consent to sexual activity - you may become guilty of committing rape if the other person is not in a condition to respond or react.
• Know what you want. Be clear about what kind of relationship you want with another person. If you are not sure, then ask the other person to respect your feelings and to give you time. Don't allow yourself to be subject to peer pressure or encouraged to do something that you don't want to do.
• Go out with a group of friends and watch out for each other.
• Don't be afraid to ask for help if you feel threatened.
• Take self-defense courses. These can build confidence and teach valuable physical techniques a person can use to get away from an attacker.

Getting Help

Unfortunately, even if someone takes every precaution, date rape can still happen. If you're raped, here are some things that you can do:

• If you're injured, go straight to the emergency room - most medical centers and hospital emergency departments have doctors and counselors who have been trained to take care of someone who has been raped.
• Call or find a friend, family member, or someone you feel safe with and tell them what happened.
• If you want to report the rape, call the police right away. Preserve all the physical evidence. Don't change clothes or wash.
• Write down as much as you can remember about the event.
• If you aren't sure what to do, call a rape crisis center. If you don't know the number, your local phone book will have hotline numbers.

Don't be afraid to ask questions and get information. You'll have lots of questions as you go through the process - such as whether to report the rape, who to tell, and the kinds of reactions you may get from others.

Rape isn't just physically damaging - it can be emotionally traumatic as well. It may be hard to think or talk about something as personal as being raped by someone you know. But talking with a trained rape crisis counselor or other mental health professional can give you the right emotional attention, care, and support to begin the healing process. Working things through can help prevent lingering problems later on.

Reviewed by: Barbara P. Homeier, MD

Date reviewed: January 2006

Original Article

Coaching Boys into Men Is Effective Tool in Preventing Teen Dating Violence, Study Finds

26/03/2012 20:30:00

Children’s Hospital of Pittsburgh of UPMC Expert finds that program participants more likely to intervene when confronted with teen dating violence

San Francisco, CA /Pittsburgh, PA - Coaching Boys into Men (CBIM), a program for high schools that seeks to reduce dating violence and sexual assault, is effective in discouraging teen dating violence and abusive behaviors, according to a study that will appear in the April issue of The Journal of Adolescent Health and appearing online March 26.

Created by Futures Without Violence, the CBIM program engages coaches to promote messages of respect and health relationships.

A three year study of more than 2,000 male athletes in 16 California high schools confirmed the positive impact of the program. The study was led by Elizabeth Miller, M.D., Ph.D., chief, Division of Adolescent Medicine at Children’s Hospital of Pittsburgh of UPMC and associate professor of pediatrics at University of Pittsburgh School of Medicine Dr. Miller conducted the study while a member of the faculty at University of California Davis.

“As schools, parents and students grapple with the problem of teen dating violence, our study findings offer hope that prevention programs can work,” said Dr. Miller. “The high school male athletes whose coaches delivered this easy-to-implement program reported more positive bystander behaviors, meaning that these boys were more likely to say or do something to stop disrespectful and harmful behaviors towards girls that they witnessed among their male peers,”

In the program, high school coaches are trained to use a “Coaches Kit,” a series of training cards that offer key strategies for opening conversations about dating violence and appropriate attitudes toward women. A key component of the 12-week curriculum is teaching young men that even as bystanders they must speak out when witnessing abuse by adults or peers.  

Among the study’s top findings:

• CBIM participants were significantly more likely to report intervening to stop disrespectful or harmful behaviors among their peers;
• CBIM participants were slightly more likely to recognize abusive behaviors than a control group of teens who did not participate in the program; and,
• Participants also reported less verbal and emotional abuse against a female partner after participating in the CBIM program.

“This study indicates that it is possible to prevent violence before it happens,” said Futures Without Violence Founder and President Esta Soler. “Coaches can be excellent role models who can positively shape young athletes’ attitudes about women and girls and healthy relationships.”

For more information about Coaching Boys Into Men, watch online.

“Coaching Boys into Men: A Cluster-Randomized Controlled Trial of a Dating Violence PreventionProgram” will be published in April’s Journal of Adolescent Health.

The study was funded by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. The Waitt Institute for Violence Prevention funds the Coaching Boys into Men program. The Coaching Boys into Men tools are available for free download from Futures Without Violence at www.coachescorner.org

Collaborators on the study were Elizabeth Miller, M.D., Ph.D.; Heather L. McCauley, MS; Maria Catrina D. Virata, MPH; Heather A. Anderson, B.S., all of Children’s Hospital of Pittsburgh of UPMC; Daniel J. Tancredi, Ph.D., UC Davis School of Medicine and Center for Healthcare Policy and Research; Michele R. Decker, ScD, Department of Population, Family and Reproductive Health, Johns Hopkins Bloomberg School of Public Health; Nicholas Stetkevich, MPH, Department of Pediatrics, UC Davis School of Medicine; Ernest W Brown, B.S., of WEAVE, Inc.; Feroz Moideen, J.D., Futures Without Violence; Jay G. Silverman, Ph.D., University of California San Diego School of Medicine.

Original Article

T. Thomas Ackerman Releases 'The Safehouse' to Critic Acclaim: Novel Called a Call-To-Arms Against Domestic Violence

Saturday, March 3, 2012

T. Thomas Ackerman and Outskirts Press are pleased to announce the release of 'The Safehouse' to critical acclaim by readers of this page-turning thriller that has been called a call-to-arms against domestic violence.

Veteran author T. Thomas Ackerman is pleased to announce the release of his highly-praised thriller titled 'The Safehouse'. Evolving around the grave challenges of domestic violence, readers are jettisoned into the world of Ackerman's Detective Jessica Warren, and her life mission of protecting innocent women from predators.

'The Safehouse' is published by Outskirts Press, and is the second novel Outskirts has published by T. Thomas Ackerman. The Safehouse. Abusive husbands will wish they had never made contact with Detective Jessica Warren, Ackerman's new police detective heroine who makes saving battered women her life's mission - regardless of inadequate laws and dangerously violent, but basically cowardly men.

Domestic violence against women in the United States and abroad is a severe issue. In T. Thomas Ackerman's 'The Safehouse' readers are given a front row seat as to the magnitude of injustice as they travel with Detective Jessica Warren, a clever defender of aggression who understands all too well how vulnerable women are in abusive relationships. And she's not going to stand by and watch as innocent victims are injured or worse. The Safehouse is the story of Jessie Warren and the closely knit network of powerful women who aren't willing to allow abusive men to hide behind inadequate laws. It's the story of the victims she helps, some of whom learn to break out of the patterns holding them trapped. And it's the story of how Jessie navigates the police system with pragmatism, intelligence, and heart to extend a helping hand to women in need. But with all the time and emotional energy she spends helping others, will she be able to maintain her own life balance? And will she be able to outsmart the one member of the police force who doesn't approve of her unorthodox methods? True to life and riveting, The Safehouse will take you on a compelling journey to justice.

The abusive world of The Safehouse is one made tangibly real by author Ackerman, who is himself no stranger to the sometimes swept-under-the-carpet culture of domestic violence in this country. His father was a severe alcoholic and his mother died when she was only forty-seven, the victim of stress and illness from mental and physical abuse. His wife still suffers from neck pain that is the result of being violently strangled during her first marriage.

A continuing advocate of reform in this area, Ackerman will donate twenty-five percent of all royalties from the book to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence.

T. Thomas Ackerman lives in Connecticut with his family. He is also the author of For a Reason.

Midwest Book Review comments of The Safehouse, "A fine read that will grip the reader and not let go . . . Justice can sometimes be so hard to find. The Safehouse follows Detective Jessica Warren as she searches for justice as she joins with others in a crusade against domestic violence. But the law is not always on her side, and Jessica finds there are those who are working against her within it. Split between the law, her own goals, and standing against the evil that reeks in the world, The Safehouse is a fine read that will grip the reader and not let go.

Best-selling author Peter Thomas Senese commented, "The Safehouse is a well written, page turner that is equally a highly entertaining novel, but more importantly, it is a call-to-arms against domestic violence. This is a very important novel."

THE Safehouse may be purchased by visiting Amazon, Barnes & Noble and Outskirts Press.

For more information or to contact the author, visit: Outskirt Press.

Original Article

10 Things You Can Do to Stop Violence Against Women

1. Approach gender violence as a MEN’S issue involving men of all ages, socioeconomic, racial and ethnic backgrounds. View men not only as perpetrators or possible offenders, but as empowered bystanders who can confront abusive peers.
2. If a brother, friend, classmate, or teammate is abusing his female partner – or is disrespectful or abusive to girls and women in general – don’t look the other way. If you feel comfortable doing so, try to talk to him about it. Urge him to seek help. Or if you don’t know what to do, consult a friend, a parent, a professor, or a counsellor. DON’T REMAIN SILENT.
3. Have the courage to look inward. Question your own attitudes. Don’t be defensive when something you do or say ends up hurting someone else. Try hard to understand how your own attitudes and actions might inadvertently perpetuate sexism and violence, and work towards changing them.
4. If you suspect that a woman close to you is being abused or has been sexually assaulted, gently ask if you can help.
5. If you are emotionally, psychologically, physically, or sexually abusive to women, or have been in the past, seek professional help NOW.
6. Be an ally to women who are working to end all forms of gender violence. Support the work of campus-based women’s centres. Attend “Take Back the Night” rallies and other public events. Raise money for community-based rape crisis centres and battered women’s shelters. If you belong to a team or fraternity, or another student group, organise a fundraiser.
7. Recognise and speak out against homophobia and gay-bashing. Discrimination and violence against lesbians and gays are wrong in and of themselves. This abuse also has direct links to sexism (e.g. the sexual orientation of men who speak out against sexism is often questioned, as a conscious or unconscious strategy intended to silence them and a key reason few men do so.)
8. Attend programmes, take courses, watch films, and read articles and books about multicultural masculinities, gender inequality, and the root causes of gender violence. Educate yourself and others about how larger social forces affect the conflicts between individual men and women.
9. Don’t fund sexism. Refuse to purchase any magazine, rent any video, subscribe to any Web site, or buy any music that portrays girls or women in a sexually degrading or abusive manner. Protest sexism in the media.
10. Mentor and teach young boys about how to be men in ways that don’t involve degrading or abusing girls and women. Volunteer to work with gender violence prevention programmes, including anti-sexist men’s programmes. Lead by example.

Our thanks to Jackson Katz (http://www.jacksonkatz.com) who has compiled and generously shared this list with the Violence Against Women community.

Beaten men: Abuse can go both ways, local cases demonstrate

I think this is a great example!  There are too many men that just don’t understand that they can be abused, many that are being abused just can’t wrap their mind around the fact that it’s not something they should have to live with or that it affects other men as well.  For men, we’re back in the dark ages when it comes to movement on men and DV, there aren’t too many voices out there, and as for information, that’s just hard to come by to say the least.  If you know a man that is being abused, let him know that you are there to support him just as much as if he was a female going through DV!  Validation that you even understand that what he’s going through is wrong and painful can help a man get through this, because unfortunately, there’s little of that going around atm…

 

Posted: Sunday, March 18, 2012 12:00 am

By Amy Macavinta | 4 comments   Get in on the discussion!

Gender stereotypes — there are dozens of them. Boys can’t play with dolls. Girls are the weaker sex. Men are strong and aggressive, while women are loving and nurturing.

Men don’t cry.

Men can’t be victims.

Two Logan men have stepped forward to dispel the myth. They know the opposite to be true: Women can be aggressive, and men can be victims. And men need help and support, too.

James, who The Herald Journal is not naming at his request, has been married for more than 20 years. He has raised a family with his wife, and he has a great deal of respect for her.

Over the years, he has learned to identify her “boiling point,” and he goes out of his way to avoid conflict.

He remembers the first time she hit him, very early in their marriage.

“It was like someone stuck a probe in me,” he said. “It was just such a huge shock.”

He thought about leaving back then. However, when the couple learned they were expecting their first child, he said he felt like he was stuck. And at the same time, it was that child and the ones that followed that made it worth keeping the family together in spite of the abuse.

“The family times really compensated for the marital problems,” he said. “It is comforting to have a sense of family.”

And so he picked his battles. For every conflict, he asked himself “is it worth it?”

Hitting, kicking, slapping, punching — threats of violence, threats of police action if he retaliated. She broke his nose once, and when he went to the doctor, no one even asked how it happened, he said.

“I don’t know a man who wants to be the victim of a woman,” James said. “I didn’t believe I was a victim. To say that makes you less human. I have learned that it does not make you less human; it just means you drew the short straw and got whacked with it.”

There were several points in his marriage when James said he did reach out for help. And time and time again, he was discouraged by comments like these:

“Be a better husband,” or “If you can’t control your wife, you are a pansy.” And, “What did you do to make her mad?”

“I quit talking about it because they didn’t believe me,” he said. And so, he carried on.

The abuse diminished somewhat while the children were growing. He said his wife tried hard to be a good mom, and he felt like he was protecting his children by staying in the marriage.

“If the focus of her anger was centered on me, then she would leave the kids alone,” he said. “Only time will tell if I made the right decision.”

James and his wife are empty-nesters now, and there has been some talk of divorce, but the fact remains: he still sees her finer points and would be perfectly content in the marriage — as long as she wasn’t hitting him.

“There is always the strong hope, wish and desire for change, always hope — I still feel that now,” he said. “You just have this never-ending wish for the violence to stop and the nurturing to begin.”

In the meantime, James finds comfort that the community at large is beginning to make an effort to “get in the middle of the road” when it comes to realizing that domestic violence is not exclusive to one gender.

———

At 89 years old, Leo never stopped hoping. His current marriage is in shambles, but Leo said he is discovering happiness once again.

Leo, also not his real name, was remarried 16 years ago in California, when he was in his 70s. Almost immediately, he and his new bride moved to Cache Valley to be closer to her daughter. And just as quickly, their relationship changed.

Leo said his wife was angry and controlling. She was physically abusive. She hit him almost daily, on the back at first, and later, his head and face. She hit him with her hands, a spoon, the remote control — anything she might have in her hand.

Leo and his wife are members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, and they married in the temple, a union church members believe is for time and all eternity.

Leo said he took his vows seriously, and so he stayed with his wife until a year ago, when an attack left him bleeding from his mouth. He reached out to his church leadership, who took him to Community Abuse Prevention Services Agency (CAPSA) in Logan.

“I couldn’t believe this was happening to me. It was a nightmare,” he said. “I came to CAPSA when I saw blood coming out from my mouth. That was enough for me. I couldn’t take it anymore, and I didn’t want to find out what she would hit me with next time.”

Kathryn Monson, CAPSA’s program director, said she can’t even describe the change in Leo in the time he has been with the organization.

“You wouldn’t think that someone in his stage of life would have to think about being a victim,” Monson said.

He was emotionally traumatized when she met him, she said, but things have changed since.

“He started to see there was a way out of this and it was like night and day,” she said.

———

While CAPSA reports a slight increase in the number of men seeking assistance in Cache Valley, it is difficult to back that up with legal records.

A representative from the Logan City Police Department said domestic violence calls are not filed by gender and that it would take extensive research to determine how many men have been victims of violence. However, they acknowledge that it does happen.

Similar findings were discovered in the court system, where protective orders are filed individually, with no gender classification.

“Violence is violence, and we need to do all we can as a society, including the judicial system, to both discourage it and assist those who are victims of it,” said 1st District Court Judge Kevin Allen.

Anyone in need of help can call CAPSA’s 24-hour crisis line 435-753-2500. Services are confidential and free of charge to women and men and include a 24-hour crisis line, 24-hour in-person crisis intervention, shelter, case management, support groups, assistance with protective order and civil stalking injunctions and more.

———

amacavinta@hjnews.com

Twitter: @amacavinta

Original Article

A Hidden Crime: Domestic Violence Against Men Is a Growing Problem

Please visit the Original Article and leave a comment!

By BRUCE WATSON

Posted 10:30AM 01/30/10

Amid the media frenzy over Tiger Woods and Bengals receiver Chris Henry, a key aspect of both stories slipped through the cracks: Like millions of other men, Woods andHenry were -- allegedly at least -- the victims of domestic violence perpetrated by their wives or girlfriends. Beyond its brutal physical and psychological costs, domestic violence against men exacts a cruel economic toll at the personal, societal and national levels.For the most part, the media, authorities and average citizens see domestic violence as a crime that is committed by men and victimizes women. Consequently, funding to combat the problem has overwhelmingly been spent on programs that support women.

Widely Ignored Problem

And yet, more than 200 survey-based studies show that domestic violence is just as likely to strike men as women. In fact, the overwhelming mass of evidence indicates that half of all domestic violence cases involve an exchange of blows and the remaining 50% is evenly split between men and women who are brutalized by their partners.

Part of the reason that this problem is widely ignored lies in the notion that battered males are weak or unmanly. A good example of this is the Barry Williams case: Recently, the former Brady Bunch star sought a restraining order against his live-in girlfriend, who had hit him, stolen $29,000 from his bank account, attempted to kick and stab him and had repeatedly threatened his life.

It is hard to imagine a media outlet mocking a battered woman, but E! online took the opportunity to poke fun at Williams, comparing the event to various Brady Bunch episodes. Similarly, whenSaturday Night Live ran a segment in which a frightened Tiger Woods was repeatedly brutalized by his wife, the show was roundly attacked -- for being insensitive to musical guest Rihanna, herself a victim of domestic violence.

Lack of Research

Sometimes it is impossible to ignore the problem, but when domestic violence against men turns deadly -- as in the case of actor Phil Hartman -- the focus tends to shift to mental illness. The same can be said of the Andrea Yates case, which many pundits presented as the story of how an insensitive husband can drive a wife to murder.

Much of the information on domestic violence against men is anecdotal, largely because of the lack of funding to study the problem. Although several organizations explore domestic violence, the biggest single resource is the Department of Justice, which administers grants through its Office on Violence Against Women.

For years, the DOJ has explicitly refused to fund studies that investigate domestic violence against men. According to specialists in this field, the DOJ recently agreed to cover this problem -- as long as researchers give equal time to addressing violence against women.

First National Study

Researchers Denise Hines and Emily Douglas recently completed the first national study to scientifically measure the mental and social impact of domestic violence on male victims. Interestingly, their research was funded by the National Institutes of Mental Health, not the DOJ. Not only does this demonstrate the lack of resources for researchers of this issue, but it also suggests that male battering is perceived as a mental health issue, not a crime.

This decriminalization of domestic violence against men affects research conclusions. While survey-based studies have found that men and women commit domestic violence in equal numbers, crime-based studies show that women are far more likely to be victimized. This inconsistency begins to make sense when one considers that man-on-woman violence tends to be seen through a criminal lens, while woman-on-man violence is viewed more benignly.

A recent 32-nation study revealed that more than 51% of men and 52% of women felt that there were times when it was appropriate for a wife to slap her husband. By comparison, only 26% of men and 21% of women felt that there were times when it was appropriate for a husband to slap his wife. Murray Straus, creator of the Conflict Tactics Scale and one of the authors of the study, explained this discrepancy: "We don't perceive men as victims. We see women as being more vulnerable than men."

Kneed In The Groin

This trend becomes particularly striking when one considers the 1996 case of Minnesota Vikings quarterback Warren Moon , who tried to restrain his wife after she threw a candlestick at his head and kneed him in the groin. Subsequently charged with spousal abuse, he was only acquitted after his wife admitted that she attacked him -- and that her wounds were self-inflicted. Ironically, her admission of fault did not result in charges being brought against her.

While Moon's trial was particularly high profile, his situation is actually very common. In fact,studies have found that a man who calls the police to report domestic violence is three times more likely to be arrested than the woman who is abusing him.

The mainstream perception of domestic violence also impacts the resources that are available to battered men. For example, the Domestic Abuse Helpline for Men and Women, the only national toll-free hot line that specializes in helping male victims of domestic violence, has faced numerous roadblocks in its search for funding. In Maine, where the helpline is based, the surest route to funding is through membership in the Maine Coalition to End Domestic Violence.

On A Shoestring

But, according to Helpline director Jan Brown, the Coalition refused to even issue the program an application for membership, effectively denying it access to funding. Today, 45 Helpline volunteers field 550 calls per month, 80% of which are from men or people who are looking for help on behalf of a man. Operating with a yearly budget of less than $15,000, it provides intensive training to its workers and offers victims housing, food, bus tickets and a host of other services.

The Helpline's sheltering services are informal and ad hoc, largely because its lack of access to funding makes a shelter financially impossible. In fact, of the estimated 1,200 to 1,800 shelters in the U.S., only one -- the Valley Oasis shelter in Antelope Valley, Calif. -- provides a full range of shelter services to men. And, on average, less than 10% of OVW funds allocated to fight domestic violence are used to help men.

For male victims of domestic violence, the legal system can become another tool for abuse. As in the Moon case, battered men are often likely to find themselves arrested, even when they are the ones who call the police. And, even after the arrest, the process of incarceration, restraining orders, divorce court and child custody hearings continue to disadvantage men.

A High Cost

Restraining orders are a particularly difficult hurdle. Radar Services, a watchdog organization,estimates that approximately 85% of the roughly 2 million temporary restraining orders that are issued every year are made against men. In many states, the requirements for an order are exceedingly vague: In Oregon , for example, a "fear" of violence is sufficient for a restraining order, while Michigan issues them to protect family members against "fear of mental harm."

But there's nothing vague about the effect of restraining orders: They often turn men out of their homes, deny them access to children and result in further personal costs as millions of men have to find new places to live, hire lawyers and pay other expenses. For some men, as Hines and Brown point out, the legal system gives abusive wives and girlfriends tools to continue attacks even after their relationships end.

As Straus notes, "The preponderance of [domestic violence] resources should be made available to women. They are injured more often, are more economically vulnerable, and are often responsible for the couple's children. That having been said, more resources need to be made available to men."

There is no doubt that domestic violence against men can be reduced; the domestic violence initiatives of the past 40 years have brought a hidden crime to light and provided protection for millions of women. The next step is to admit that domestic violence is not a male or female problem, but rather a human problem, and that a lasting solution must address the cruelty -- and suffering -- of both sexes.

Original Article

About Domestic Violence Against Men

Revised: May 20, 2007

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Domestic Violence Is Against The Law In Oregon

Statistics About Domestic Abuse And Violence Against Men

Very little in known about the actual number of men who are in a domestic relationship in which they are abused or treated violently by women.  In 100 domestic violence situations approximately 40 cases involve violence by women against men.  An estimated 400,000 women per year are abused or treated violently in the United States by their spouse or intimate partner.  This means that roughly 300,000 to 400,000 men are treated violently by their wife or girl friend. 

For more information see www.dvmen.org

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Why Do We Know So Little About Domestic Abuse And Violence Against Men?

There are many reasons why we don't know more about domestic abuse and violence against men.  First of all, the incidence of domestic violence reported men appears to be so low that it is hard to get reliable estimates.  In addition, it has taken years of advocacy and support to encourage women to report domestic violence. Virtually nothing has been done to encourage men to report abuse.  The idea that men could be victims of domestic abuse and violence is so unthinkable that many men will not even attempt to report the situation. 

The dynamic of domestic abuse and violence is also different between men and women.  The reasons, purposes and motivations are often very different between sexes.  Although the counseling and psychological community have responded to domestic abuse and violence against women, there has been very little investment in resources to address and understand the issues of domestic abuse and violence against men.  In most cases, the actual physical damage inflicted by men is so much greater than the actual physical harm inflected by women.  The impact of domestic violence is less apparent and less likely to come to the attention of others when men are abused.  For example, it is assumed than a man with a bruise or black eye was in a fight with another man or was injured on the job or playing contact sports.  Even when men do report domestic abuse and violence, most people are so astonished men usually end up feeling like nobody believes them. 

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The Problem With Assumptions About Domestic Abuse And Violence

It is a widely held assumption that women are always the victims and men are always the perpetrators.   Between 50 and 60% of all domestic abuse and violence is against women.   There are many reasons why people assume men are never victims and why women often ignore the possibility.  For one thing, domestic abuse and violence has been minimized, justified and ignored for a very long time.   Women are now more organized, supportive and outspoken about the epidemic of domestic abuse and violence against women.  Very little attention has been paid to the issue of domestic abuse and violence against men - especially  because violence against women has been so obvious and was ignored for so long. 

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What Is Domestic Abuse And Violence Against Men?

There are no absolute rules for understanding the emotional differences between men and women. There are principles and dynamics that allow interpretation of individual situations.  Domestic abuse and violence against men and women have some similarities and difference.  For men or women, domestic violence includes pushing, slapping, hitting, throwing objects, forcing or slamming a door  or striking the other person with an object, or using a weapon.  Domestic abuse can also be mental or emotional.  However, what will hurt a man mentally and emotionally, can in some cases  be very different from what hurts a woman.  For some men, being called a coward, impotent or a failure can have a very different psychological impact than it would on a women.  Unkind and cruel words hurt, but they can hurt in different ways and linger in different ways.  In most cases, men are more deeply affected by emotional abuse than physical abuse. 

For example, the ability to tolerate and "brush off" a physical assault by women in front of other men can in some cases reassure a man that he is strong and communicate to other men that he can live up to the code of never hitting a woman.  A significant number of of men are overly sensitive to emotional and psychological abuse.  In some cases, humiliating a man emotionally in front of other men can be more devastating than physical abuse.  Some professionals have observed that mental and emotional abuse can be an area where women are often "brutal" than men.  Men on the other hand are quicker to resort to physical abuse and they are more capable of physical assaults that are more brutal - even deadly!. 

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Why Does Domestic Abuse Against Men Go Unrecognized?

Domestic violence against men goes unrecognized for the following reasons:

• The incidence of domestic violence against men appears to be so low that it is hard to get reliable estimates.

• It has taken years of advocacy and support to encourage women to report domestic violence. Virtually nothing has been done to encourage men to report abuse.

• The idea that men could be victims of domestic abuse and violence is so unthinkable to most people that many men will not even attempt to report the situation.

• The counseling and psychological community have responded to domestic abuse and violence against women.  Not enough has been done to stop abuse against women.  There has been very little investment in resources to address the issues of domestic abuse and violence against men.

• In most cases, the actual physical damage inflicted by men is so much greater than the actual physical harm inflected by women.  The impact of domestic violence is less apparent and less likely to come to the attention of others.

• Even when men do report domestic abuse and violence, most people are so astonished, men usually end up feeling like nobody would believe them.  It is widely assumed than a man with a bruise or black eye was in a fight with another man or was injured on the job or while playing contact sports.  Women generally don't do those things.

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What Are The Characteristics Of Women Who Are Abusive And Violent?

The characteristics of men or women who are abusive fall into three categories. 

• Alcohol Abuse.  Alcohol abuse is a major cause and trigger in domestic violence.  People who are intoxicated have less impulse control, are easily frustrated, have greater misunderstandings and are generally prone to resort to violence as a solution to problems.   Women who abuse men are frequently alcoholics.

• Psychological Disorders.  There are certain psychological problems, primarily personality disorders,  in which women are characteristically abusive and violent toward men.   Borderline personality disorder is a diagnosis that is found almost exclusively with women.  Approximately 1 to 2 percent of all women have a Borderline Personality disorder.  At least 50% of all domestic abuse and violence against men is associated with woman who have a Borderline Personality disorder. The disorder is also associated with suicidal behavior, severe mood swings, lying, sexual problems and alcohol abuse.

• Unrealistic expectations, assumptions and conclusions.   Women who are abusive toward men usually have unrealistic expectations and make unrealistic demands of men.  These women will typically experience repeated episodes of depression, anxiety, frustration and irritability which they attribute to a man's behavior.  In fact, their mental and emotional state is the result of their own insecurities, emotional problems, trauma during childhood or even withdrawal from alcohol.   They blame men rather than admit their problems, take responsibility for how they live their lives or do something about how they make themselves miserable.  They refuse to enter treatment and may even insist the man needs treatment.   Instead of helping themselves, they  blame a man for how they feel and believe that a man should do something to make them feel better. They will often medicate their emotions with alcohol.  When men can't make them feel better, these women become frustrated and assume that men are doing this on purpose.

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A Common Dynamic:  How Violence ERUPTS

There are a number of commonly reported interactions in which violence against men erupts.  Here is one example that illustrates a common dynamic. 

The woman is mildly distressed and upset. The man notices her distress and then worries she may become angry.   The woman attempts to communicate and discuss her feelings.  She wants to talk, feel supported and feel less alone.   She initially attributes some of her distress or problems to him.  The man begins to feel defensive, shuts down emotionally and attempts to deal with the problems rationally.  He feels a fight is coming on.  The woman feels uncared for, ignored and then gets angry.  She wants him to share the problem and he doesn't feel he has a problem.  The man will attempt to remain unemotional and stay in control of himself.  He avoids accepting any blame for how she feels.  He is also worried that she may explode at any moment and that she will certainly do so if he talks about his feelings. The man will start talking about her problem as if she could feel better if she would only listen to him and stop acting so upset.  He fails to understand how she feels and tries to remain calm.  He tells her to calm down and ends up looking insensitive.  She begins to wonder if he has any feelings at all.  She tells him that he thinks he's perfect.   He says he is not perfect.  She calls him insensitive.  He stares at her and says nothing but looks irritated. 

The woman is frustrated that he won't reveal his feelings and that he acts like he is in control.  On the other hand, the man feels out of control and like there is no room for anybody's feelings in the conversation but hers. Communication breaks down and the woman begins to insult the man.  When the man finally expresses his disapproval and attempts to end the fight.  The woman becomes enraged and may throw something.  The man will usually endure insults and interactions like this for weeks or months.  This whole pattern becomes a recurrent and all too familiar experience.   The man becomes increasingly sensitive to how the woman acts and becomes avoidant and unsupportive.  The man begins to believe that there is nothing he can do and that it may be all his fault.  His frustration and anger can build for months ike this. 

This risk of violence  increases when the woman insults the man in front of their children, threatens the man's relationship with his children, or she refuses to control her abusive behavior when the children are present.  She may call him a terrible father or an awful husband in front of the children.  Eventually he feels enraged not only because of how she treats him, but how her behavior is harming the children.   At some point the man may throw something, punch a wall, or slam his fist down loudly to vent his anger and to communicate that he has reached his limits.  Up till now she has never listened to what he had to say.  He decides that maybe she will stop if she can see just how angry he has become.  Rather than recognizing that he has reached his limits, expressing his anger physically has the opposite effect.  For a long time the man has tried to hide his anger.  Why should the woman believe he really means it?  After all, he has put up with her abuse for a long time and done nothing.  Instead of realizing that things have gotten out of control, the woman may approach him and say something like, "What are you gonna do.  Hit me?  Go ahead.  I'll call the police and you'll never see your children again."  Once he expressed his anger physically, the situation became dangerous for him and for her.  The door to violence has opened wide.  He should walk away.  When he does walk away, she ends up more angry than ever, will scream obscenities at him and strike him repeatedly.  She may even strike him with an object.

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Why Do Men Stay In Abusive And Violent Relationships?

Men stay in abusive and violent relationships for many different reasons.  The following is a brief list of the primary reasons.

• Protecting Their Children.  Abused men are afraid to leave their children alone with an abusive woman.  They are afraid that if they leave they will never be allowed to see their children again.  The man is afraid the woman will tell his children he is a bad person or that he doesn't love them.

• Assuming Blame (Guilt Prone).  Many abused men believe it is their fault or feel they deserve the treatment they receive. They assume blame for events that other people would not.  They feel responsible and have an unrealistic belief that they can and should do something that will make things better.

• Dependency (or Fear of Independence).  The abused man is mentally, emotionally or financially dependent on the abusive woman.  The idea of leaving the relationship creates significant feelings of depression or anxiety.  They are "addicted" to each other.

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Who Can Help If You Are In An Abusive or Violent Relationship?

Help for men who are victims of domestic abuse and violence is not as prevalent as it is for women.  There are virtually no shelters, programs or advocacy groups for men.  

Most abused men will have to rely on private counseling services.  Community resources for breaking the cycle of violence are scarce and not well developed.

National Domestic Abuse Hotline
  1 (800) 799 - SAFE

National Child Abuse Hotline
  1 (800) 4 - A – CHILD

Original Article