I am ashamed to admit that I was an abuser for many years. I am ashamed to admit that I've hurt loved ones in the past, and all that has changed now that my eyes are opened.........
My eyes opening did NOT happen over night, and was a struggle for me. It was like shedding my skin, like that of a snake. Shedding my past hurts, my past memories, the connections to my past, the lessons that I learned along the way that lead me down the path that I went.
I am not cured. I am a work in progress, which I freely admit too. It takes time, steps, to heal from a past and let old habits die. Let angers, insecurities, self hatred and hatred of others die. To let go of my past abuse and what I witnessed as a child to myself, my Mother, and my Brothers & Sisters at the hands of my X-Marine alcoholic Father that made me feel that the abuse was just a way of life. It all takes time, and if anyone tells you that they are not abusive anymore after a short time, they are a LIER! You CANNOT stop abusing over night! It is a process, it is steps towards healing and self analyzing to understand the core of the abuse and where it is coming from.
Thankfully, my abuse is now down to verbal abuse that has lessened. Although not perfect, I'm getting there and have support in doing so. I would LOVE a fast cure, would love for it to just stop and go away and me be free, but it just doesn't happen that way. But, instead of "trying", I'm just "Doing It". I would love to state that I am not abusing any more at all, but feel that healing from abusiveness is like healing from abuse itself, it takes times and steps. While I am happy that I am no longer abusing in other ways, I am ashamed to admit the verbal abuse still lingers at times, and working hard to stop even that. It is harder for me to do so, that anger still builds up, but not as hard, not as fast, and I am gaining control little by little. With the help of Our Lord, and by letting Him into my heart (which I have to admit I'm having a problem of doing fully still), I AM going to get there! I WILL NOT admit defeat in this! I no longer wear my mask.............
I know that by putting this blog up I'm opening myself to skepticism, to hateful emails, to non-believers that abusers can change. That's ok, I don't blame any of that at all. It is what it is, and if it makes you feel better, tell me off, believe me, I've heard worse. Sticks and stones may break my bones but bad names don't hurt me, besides, been called everything in the book already! LOL
I can NOT be Silent anymore. It's the Silence that is killing the Victims of abuse. It is the Silence that is leaving Victims without help and without anywhere to turn. It is the Silence that is leaving children scarred for life because of the abuse they are suffering or witnessing. It is the ABUSER that needs to take responsibility for their actions, get help or get out and Stop The MADNESS!
I am the product of an abusive child hood. No, NOT an excuse, but what brought me about to who I am today. Children that witness and are abused as a child are usually going to go one of two ways; they are either going to become a Victim when an adult, or become an Abuser. I was both at different times of my life.
I will be posting to this blog about my journey towards healing and hopefully by doing so will help others understand what abuse is and what is behind the abuse. I will be posting about my past, and the steps I've already taken towards changing, and towards not abusing. I hope that Victims read this blog and see that some Abuser CAN stop the abuse, but many, too many, choose not too. Too many abusers live on the abuse, live on the control, and no matter what will not let go of that power that they hold over their Victim. Those are what I call "Monsters", and will most likely never change.
Victims, you CANNOT heal your Abuser!!! You CANNOT help him heal! This is something that he would have to choose and do himself. This is NOT something that you can do for him! If your abuser is abusing you, seek help. Go to a Domestic Violence Shelter in your area, call the Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 (TTY 1-800-787-3224) No matter what he's gone through in his past or why your abuser is abusing, that is NOT your problem nor should you worry about them! They are old enough to take care of themselves, and if they are abusing you, they do NOT deserve you nor do you deserve the abuse they are dishing out. Get Support, Get Help, Get Out and make sure you and your children are safe and living lives without the abuse. If you have children, do you want them to grow up being a Victim, or an Abuser? Take the steps you need to take and help Break the Cycle of Abuse.
Abusers, YOU CAN STOP THE MADNESS! Abuse IS a choice, it's how you take life and what you take out of it. It's how you decide to use the experiences and knowledge that has brought you to abusing. Get Help! Do something to stop your abuse. Let your loved ones go that you are abusing, and let them live a life without abuse while you are healing. Do you want your children to grow up like you? Do you want your children to feel the way you do, and do what you do? Do you want your loved ones to learn to hate you because of your actions? Let's face it, even while abusing we do love in our own twisted ways, so while not abusing, let them go and start working on yourself so that you can be a better husband/boyfriend/father. Stop the scars, stop the hurt, and take the steps that you need to to get better and STOP THE MADNESS that YOU are creating!
This blog is also yet another outlet, another step towards my personal healing, and I want to share it with others in hopes that through my experiences, through my sharing of what I've done and what I feel brought me to it, will help others. I hope to "Open the Eyes" of Victims and Abusers alike. I hope to show Victims that they CANNOT take the blame or shame of their abuse. I hope to show Abusers that what they are doing is wrong, and that they CAN change if they want too.
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